How can you tell if you’re gay? Your hand is bigger than your face (smoosh). And you’re a man who likes having sex with men.

What’s your porn star name? Take your first pet’s name, add the street you grew up on, and then discard both and use your moniker from Anal Explosion LVII.

You can find your personality type by completing this handy ten page test a few minutes early, and using the remaining time, reflect on some of your life’s turning points, victories, and letdowns. Focus on how you’ve grown and what you’ve learned.

Get matched up with your perfect mate by taking this romantic compatibility quiz; turn it in to Lisa, at reception, whom you will ask out for drinks, initiate a whirlwind romance with, and eventually marry in a small ceremony at City Hall eight months from now.

Dare to learn your exact death date by placing your palm on this shiny, metallic orb, which turns on our PTX 7000 Full Body CT-Scan-Tronix body imaging and gene sequencing machine. It will analyze your present health level, evaluate your previous health and lifestyle decisions, factoring in your genetic predispositions, and give us the data to determine — to within plus or minus four weeks — your current life expectancy.