The entire premise of this piece is fucking weird. Is it based in fact? Anecdote? Song lyrics? Fancy? I don’t know, but it’s hilarious. The Morning News always wins.

I’m plowing through a stir fry like it’s the last one ever
Tied to my porch with chicken wire and clever
When Vargas dips his fingers into my sticky rice
And up floats a letter from the DMV, very nice
I’d better run down and get my license renewed
Or my cargo line of plastic dolls from Beaconsville is screwed