With this fucking housing crisis continuing into, what, year four or five I was thinking that the word “poltergeist” has less and less to do with the way we live. So here are some new types of ghost that have more to do with being alive, as it were, in 2012.

1. Jahrtausendglutgeist - Heatwave ghost. You usually feel this fella when it’s a hundred fucking degrees outside (eg today). Is that a trickle of sweat running down my neck? Or a bloodthirsty phantom calling dibs on my tender flesh?! Oh no! At least I’ll be cold when I’m dead.

2. Arzneimittelausgabenbegrenzungsgesetzgeist - A law limiting the amount one has to pay for prescription medicine ghost. Like, damn bro. Medical care is fucking expensive, and those bastards in Washington want to fuck us up the nasty hole with a spiked dick by getting rid of the Affordable Health Care Act. This ghost haunts you when you realize that you have no insurance but need to fill your Adderall scrip in order to get a little bit of work done to try to collect one of them fat ass freelancer checks.

3. Schadenfreudegeist - Schadenfreude ghost. This is the lining-of-your-gut-eating son of a bitch ghost that lives in your stomach and surges up, acid reflux-like, whenever you see one of your friends/colleagues/enemies gain any modicum of success or career advancement while you’re stuck broiling in your fucking boxers waiting for the proverbial phone to non-proverbial ring. (Who writes all these proverbs? Can I have that job please?)

4. Eurolandgeist - Euroland ghost. This is what I expect to be left of the EU’s economic landscape in, like, eight months.

5. Ekelfernsehengeist - Disgusting television ghost. Basically our only friend as we weather these hot/inauspicious/impoverished times. Flick on Housewives/Pawn Stars/NCIS, sidle up next to your invisible/non-existent/non-judgemental viewing partner, and try to forget about how everything sucks.