And we’re back.  The break was only one week, but all the Thanksgiving eating sans Top Chef made it seem like a lot longer.  At least we were spared a contrived Top Chef Thanksgiving episode filmed in July.  You know, unlike last season.

I was afraid reading this recap would spoil the show for me, since I missed it last night (who fucking watches TV on Wednesday night?), I don’t have TiVo, and it’s not on my torrentz sitez. But since I’m not hep to the author’s parlance, I have no fucking clue who’s who. It’s like a P6 blind item .

Well, the top four chefs survived to the end, making the previous 12 weeks as pointless as the NHL regular season.  But what a ride it was.  We learned Redheaded Santa is the best chef in show history, in terms of quality and personality.  We learned Walk of Shame can survive a meltdown.  We learned Frere Mike can be just as douchey as his New Jersey counterpart.  And we learned Human Quaalude can put you to sleep faster than a towel filled with ether.

Walk of Shame looks less Walk of Shame-y up in Napa.  Maybe leaving Vegas made her classier.  The only thing that leaving Las Vegas made me was poorer.  And Redheaded Santa let his hair grow.  Go bald with dignity, man.  At least he points out that there’s a Facebook group dedicated to his beard.  And Frere Mike looks extra douchey with his gelled up hair.  It’s not quite a fauxhawk, but he’s established himself as the asshole of this year’s final four. 

And Padma’s got a baby bump and straightened hair.  I don’t want to spread rumors that the baby is mine, but I won’t stop you from doing that.  Guest judge Michael Chiarello makes his return to the show, after being the latest man to find out Dale is a twerp on Top Chef: Masters. 

The Quickfire is on a train, and Kevin is nervous about motion on the train.  He’s right to be.  I remember on our school trip in 7th grade, the train jostled me while walking back from the bathroom and I “accidentally” felt up Alyssa, the hottest girl in my class.  That was awesome.  Wait, what were we talking about?

The winner gets a Prius, and Walk of Shame still drives a 2000 Chevrolet Cavalier without a CD player.  I feel your pain, in high school I had a 1989 Chrysler Le Baron (yes, just like Jon Voight’s).  She says she still uses her high school mix tapes.  Yeah, she needs a new car; she doesn’t know that the Spin Doctors have broken up yet. 

The challenge also has to incorporate grapes, what with this being Napa Valley and all.  Chiarello thinks they all did well.  I would have tried to incorporate monkey meat, as an homage to Grape Ape, but Frere Mike wins the challenge.  He deserves the Prius since he’s the contestant most likely to sniff his own farts.

The Elimination Challenge is to cater an event for 150 people, using only local ingredients.  Michael Pollan just got a boner.  Kevin uses only local stuff, so he thinks it plays into his wheelhouse.  But he’s from Georgia; not sure if they’ve got chuckle in Northern California.

Redheaded Santa knows that Frere Mike has called him out, and he wants to show Frere Mike that flavor can beat style any ol’ day of the week.  It’s flavor versus style!  Fat versus douche! Longhair versus gelhair!  I hope you’re all on the side of good along with me.

Uh oh, Redheaded Santa is making a brisket.  That’s the worst cut of meat!  The pumpkin polenta sounds promising, but I’m nervous.  If you’re making up for a lack of flashy style, quality of meat would help.  Quaalude’s putting cranberry in his dish, so between that and the pumpkin polenta this episode is kind of Thanksgiving-y, but not overbearingly so. 

You can tell that the chefs are on edge because the censor is practically leaning on the bleep button.  And the show is letting people vote on which chef they’ll be saddest to see go.  In honor of this being the Vegas season, I’m betting Frere Mike comes in last.  Oh, and does anyone else think that the blonde Latina in the promos for Launch My Line looks super hot?

I’m proud to note that Gail still has bigger guns than pregnant Padma.  Quaalude’s dish needs more salt and pepper but otherwise seems great.  Frere Mike has some problems with his eggs.  Redheaded Santa fucking nails his vegetarian dish, but gets dinged for his crummy choice of protein.  He might as well have made rump roast.  Walk of Shame oversalted her vegetarian dish, but she nailed her duck.  Heading to judges’ table, they all seem to have done well, but Walk of Shame’s vegetarian dish seems to have elicited the most negative reaction.

Redheaded Santa is praised for his vegetarian dish’s simplicity, and Colicchio even takes a dig at Frere Mike for having criticized his co-cooktestant in the past.  Santa also parries the complaint about his meat’s toughness well.  Frere Mike screwed up Padma’s egg, so there’s hope on that front.  Heading out of chef’s table, it looks like any of the chefs other than Santa could go home, though I’d still bet on Walk of Shame going.

Sure enough, Frere Mike is in last place for the contestant people will miss most.  I won my imaginary bet! 

Surprisingly, Quaalude wins the challenge.  He looks as stunned as I do.  And Walk of Shame finally has to make her Walk of Shame off the show.  The judges seem ashamed they had to kick her off.  So in the final we’re going to have a chef on the side of good, a chef on the side of evil, and a chef that’s on downers. (bobbybigwheel)