I had made a note to note to you guys that Tao Lin’s fruit blowjob literary happening in Thought Catalog was one of the finest things written on the Internet, ever. This isn’t nearly as good as that, though. But it’s kind of funny. Here’s a quote from the fruit blow job piece, because I just found it on my computer.

Too hard and unslick—due to the wax most apples use on themselves to increase their “shelf life”—to do anything sexual to anyone, apples simply don’t ever do anything at all, unless you view “sitting there” to be “doing” something. From this one can infer that the apple’s method of oral sex is for the recipient to do everything himself—to arouse oneself, to fondle oneself until orgasm, to interpret what’s happened as a result of an apple.