The Cost of B. Michael's Truly Epic Shit

(Tumblr Note: You’ll probably unfollow me because I’m writing about the NFL. But this post is also, ostensibly about music, which, I hear, is an approved topic for Tumblr discourse.)

I didn’t mean for this picks post (he’s writing a picks post? Wow, did another famous author die? Ha ha—funny) to begin like a Rotary Club speech: “Webster’s Eleventh Edition defines the word ‘courage’ as…;” but, that’s just how it is.

ELISION [There was some stuff about David Hickey. I thought of the same sort of thing independently, but it’s nice that he corroborated. C.f., Air Guitar, Art Issues Press, 1997.]

I have never found religion. A combination of not-caring, pathological narcissism, and dearth of indoctrination at a suitably impressionable age has made it such that—barring catastrophic, catastrophic, catastrophic events—I don’t think I shall ever be a religious person. Instead, for exactly the same reasons au dessus I have been a frequent and fervent worshipper at the altar of the love song. My parents listened exclusively to light, adult-contemporary radio, which has given me an un-ironic appreciation of Hall & Oates, Elton John, John Secada, (some) Billy Joel, Amy Grant, et alia ad infinitum. The way other (saner?) people would make their five daily bows toward Mecca, go through their Daily Vespers, and so forth—that’s the way I pore over the errata and esoterica of a song like “Umbrella.” Does this practice denigrate religion? Does it (unfairly?) exult the popular love song? I don’t really care, because, as the song says, “I passed up the station for the bus,” and that’s how it is.

Denver @ ATLANTA -6
Dismemberment Plan - “Crush.” This game is seriously unimportant. Everyone kind of had a crush on Denver’s huge offense, others had a thing for Michael Turner’s suddenly uninhibited potential realizing itself as massive yardage. Realistically, neither of these teams is very good, but they’re both kind of sexy. “All I can commit to is maybe.”
Atlanta -6

Oakland @ MIAMI -10½
Bone Thugs-N-Harmony - “Tha Crossroads.” This song is really one of the beautiful love songs in the canon of rap, isn’t it? I’d normally take the points here, but I’m going to make this the Oakland Memorial Pick and take the Phins. Russell is kind of crappy, McFadden (fuck you Matt Berry. I had D-Fad on, like, all of my teams. Combined record: 6-39) sucks/is hurt, Curry and Walker aren’t as old as I thought they were, but they kind of suck, etc., etc., etc. The only bright spot on the team is Asomugha, but he won’t stop Ricky Williams—oops, I mean Ronnie Brown (wow, how does Matthew Berry still have a job?)—from scoring twelve touchdowns.
MIAMI -10½

Baltimore @ NEW YORK GIANTS -6½
Serge Gainsbourg - “The Ballade de Melody Nelson.” In this scenario, Baltimore (esp. Ray Lewis) are the creepy old guy, and the Giants (esp. Eli Manning) are the fey, young ingenue.
NEW YORK GIANTS -6½

Houston @ INDIANAPOLIS -8
The Cardigans - “Lovefool.” This song goes out to me. I know that I should try drinking from a different well, but I can’t quit the Colts, I just can’t. I just wish they’d send me a sign, that Peyton would love me, love me, say that he loves me.
INDIANAPOLIS -8


TENNESEE @ Jacksonville -3
Peaches - “Fuck the Pain Away.” This game is going to be brutal, ugly, nasty, all of that. I think it will still be kind of sexy, though. Not conventionally sexy, but kind of, rolling around in the mud/biting (like, really biting) and slapping kind of sexy.
TENNESEE -3

Chicago @ GREEN BAY -4
Justin Timberlake - Sexy Back.” This one’s kind of obvious. I hear Kyle Orton’s going to start, but I really wish they’d bring Sexy (Rexy) back.
GREEN BAY -4

PHILADELPHIA @ Cincinnati -9
Langley Schools Music Project - “Desperado.” I fucking hate the Eagles. I don’t know why. Their fans lack class, but every enthusiast loses his way. They’ve put together some solid work in the past—that’s undeniable. But still, they leave a bad taste in my mouth. This song, though. Listen to this song.
PHILADELPHIA -9

NEW ORLEANS @ Kansas City -5½
Ben Folds Five - “Brick.” Like the protagonist in the song, I believe that Drew Brees is an essential stand-up good guy trapped in a bad situation. Will Brees ever find redemption? I don’t think he’s had his day-after-Christmas-girlfriend’s-getting-an-abortion moment yet. Maybe it was Katrina, but I doubt it. He has a ways to fall yet. I’m going to pick against him now, so that I can bet on him later.
Kansas City + 5½


Detroit @ CAROLINA -14
Sinead O’Connor - “Nothing Compares 2 U.” I go through this sort of ranking-thing a lot, but this may be my favorite song ever… But, really. This selection is a little strange, because I’m really picking this song for Tom Brady and last year’s Patriots. That’s the first thing I thought of when I peeped this line. “That’s a 2007 Patriots-esque line,” is what I said to myself just now. For the first eight or nine weeks, nothing compared to them. Carolina certainly doesn’t compare to them. [Edit. I just now changed my pick, like moments after making it. That’s a lot of points, but… it’s tough.]
Carolina -14


Minnesota @ TAMPA BAY -4
Weezer - “Why Bother?” This matchup means absolutely nothing to me.
TAMPA BAY -4


St. Louis @ SAN FRANCISCO -6
Electric Six - “Gay Bar.” Because M. C. Escher-like (i.e., confusingly overlapping, meeting up at weird angles, kind of making sense, but not really) levels of irony are funny, funny stuff.
St. Louis + 6

ARIZONA @ Seattle -3
Elton John - “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me.” Come on, Kurt. You can do it.
ARIZONA -3 LOTW ‘Zona 28 Seahawks 12

San Diego @ PITTSBURGH -4½
Britney Spears - “Toxic.” Who knew that this song would ever work on so many levels? I ditched LDT in one of my leagues (for an injured Portis no less), but still. I just can’t get behind a Steelers team that lets its quarterback get sacked 23,194 times/game. Actually, that construction is a little too passive, “lets its quarterback get sacked.” It should read more like, “sacks its quarterback.” When the line just lets defenders through the way Britney let her career go (i.e., precipitously, with little regard for anyone’s safety, embarrassingly, and so on), it should just get credited for the sack.
San Diego +4½


DALLAS @ Washington -1½
Hall & Oates - “She’s Gone.” In this likening, the titular “She” would be the interestingness of the NFC East, and I would not pay the devil to replace “her.” The NFC South and the AFC East are all, I think, much more interesting and lively. But, as the song goes, so do I: “I need a drink and a quick decision.”
DALLAS -1½

Cleveland @ BUFFALO -5½
Dolly Parton - “I Will Always Love You.” Yes, I chose the inferior, original version. And yes, if Buffalo moves to Toronto, then all promises are in abeyance. But, it’s true. I picked against Buffalo last week, and even though I won, it felt wrong. I’d rather feel right and be wrong, which is why I’m way, way in last place I suppose.
BUFFALO -5½

Bonus Love Song: Berlin - “Take My Breath Away”