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I Watched “Girls”, I Did Not Like “Girls”, And I Am Going To Tell You Specifically Why That Was In Fifteen Points

First, I once knew a girl like Lena Dunham. I did not like her. Wait. No, I’m getting ahead of myself. First (really), I hate New York. Not 'New York' New York, but the kind of New York depicted on television. There are 8.39 million people in New York, so why are you showing me only five or six of those people? Show me 8.39 million or don’t show me any of them.

Second, I once knew a girl like Lena Dunham, and I did not like her. At all.

Third, I mean I really didn’t like her. She was whiny and annoying. Her hair smelled like bratwurst. I think she cheated on her boyfriend once at a house party I went to when she was on mushrooms. She was always really uptight otherwise, though. Basically, she was either like really goody-goody or kind of a bitch. I don’t think she was very happy. One time I tried to sleep with the girl like Lena Dunham to make her feel better about herself, and she didn’t want to, and I stopped talking to her after that because she was irredeemably sad and terrible. I think she probably still has a job as a PR assistant for that record label even though she obviously has a lot of money.

Fourth, Lena Dunham has a lot of money. Like… yeah. Sorry but she does.

Fifth, I don’t have a lot of money. Even though Dunham’s having money doesn’t relate to my not having it, it makes her television show not as good as shows depicting poor people like “The Wire”.

Sixth, Vampire Weekend, ok I can believe that’s just a normal music soundtrack choice. But Jay-Z? That super rich dude who brags about taking lavish vacations in Paris with Gwyneth Paltrow and his boy Chris Coldplay Martin? Now you’re just trolling us with your expensive, rich girl, privileged music. Next time, try picking some actually cool music made by someone who’s actually had to do something in his stupid life — not just roll out of bed and slip on Louis Vuitton slippers and say words into a microphone. Someone like me who has to work for a living.

Seventh, that scene in the bathroom was lame. Why is everyone always in a bathroom? I don’t like that girl who was in the bathroom with that other girl. Mamet’s daughter. David Mamet is the Jay-Z of playwrights. I literally hope he dies in a fire because I literally hope people literally die because I don’t like one or two things I sort of remember reading or sitting through a few years ago.

Eighth, I really just don’t care about girls’s lives, per se. I mean that I care about them, but I don’t care care, you know? It’s just objectively not interesting — so, as in, not personal and anti-girl. Just as a statement of personal preference, I prefer to watch things, listen to things, read things by men (guys, if you will) because I just relate to them more. That doesn’t mean things like “Curb” are better than “Girls”. It just means that I like them more. It’s nothing against girls qua girls (or even “Girls” qua girls). If you read something political or personally-invested-seeming into this, then you’re not reading it correctly.

Ninth, plus there are so many shows about girls. Zooey, Whitney (x2), Fey, Amy: all those “Y” names and nary a Y chromosome in sight. (Sort of j/k but not really.) Women have a hard time in media? It seems like these days every woman is a writer or works in media. Every byline on the Wall Street Journal yesterday belonged to a woman. Every character is either a woman or the love interest of one of the men, ie, a woman. So it’s like every character is in some way related to women. In that way, “Mad Men” is the most feminist show on television — it’s all women, and women are always the most powerful people obviously running things after the men run them into the ground. I just feel like women are already pretty successful, and having a show called “Girls” almost takes that away from them, like makes them less powerful, so they shouldn’t even really have made this show in the first place. Maybe if Dunham had called her show “Guys” and made it a commentary on how men (fathers, boyfriends, bosses) have power over all these women in really subtle and insidious ways, it would be a better show. I think it would be. #RenameGirlsToGuys

Tenth, it wasn’t anything like “The Wire” — a real show, about real issues. Me and my friends would watch the hell out of “The Wire”, and we’d actually be doing something important for society by doing so. Making a difference. Not just navel gazing and mumble coring about our own stupid problems. “Girls” is so self-serving and personally narcissistic. It’s nothing at all like watching “The Wire”, an actual act that means you’re making a difference or at least trying. Reading a Lena Dunham script is not at all like reading about #OWS or reading Matt Taibbi’s latest brutal takedown of the banking industry. And I know that writing about “Girls” is not as helpful as retweeting the right things on Twitter or giving a signal boost to important messages on Tumblr, but I feel like I should probably do my part by saying some truths about “Girls” so that we can all stop wasting our time talking about something so slight and a-political as as how about some young, rich, privileged girls (of all things) in New York.

Elefenth, everyone on the show is sort of fuckable but not really.

Twelfth, me and my friends are not like any of these people, and I can literally only watch shows about people like me and my friends. Or shows like “The Wire” or “Game Of Thrones”, which are so obviously alien and un-relatable that they’re purely entertaining. Basically, I can only watch shows I relate to, other than “The Wire”, “Game Of Thrones”, “Doctor Who”, “Battlestar Galactica”, “Justified”, “The Sopranos”, “The Simpsons” (seasons 3-12 only), “Breaking Bad”, “Dexter”, “The Walking Dead”, “Mad Men”, “Homeland”, “It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia”, and “Downton Abbey”, none of which I can really relate to, per se, but that doesn’t matter because they’re more like escapism or social commentary, I cannot watch a show like “Girls” because I don’t relate to anyone on that show.

Thirteenth, the thing is is Lena Dunham just seems like a humorless person. Like, not worthless, but sort of useless and, like, untalented? She’s just not funny. I’m not really sure where she’s coming from. Like, there are no obviously funny points in the show, and there aren’t really any ironically not-funny funny parts in the show like in “Louie” or “Sunny”. It has a sort of slow, low-energy thing going on as if the show were on a vegan diet and it’s not getting enough protein or something. I just find it kind of anemic and sad-making. I only like fun people, and fun people are people who share my values and views on life (so, usually guys who are more chill, not girls who are 'neurotic' b/c that’s too stressful and not fun — joking, sort of). Which again, makes her (this is apart from her being a girl b/c I don’t even really see gender, but really I’m just being honest and saying that) she’s just not relatable to me. Because she’s no fun — not because she’s a girl. But I’m just saying I don’t think she seems like a fun or interesting person, so her TV show isn’t terrible. But it’s not really that good? Is what I’m saying. It’s nothing personal at all because I do totally like “Louie” and he doesn’t seem fun. It’s just that Lena Dunham also doesn’t seem fun or mirthful, and I basically unconsciously flipped a mental coin in my head and it came up tails and she called heads so I just only arbitrarily dislike her show. Nothing personal. She just doesn’t seem very nice or fun or fuckable.

Fourteenth, even though there’s virtually nothing about the show I like, I still find it to be a big disappointment because I feel like it lets women down and could, you know, just be about a whole lot more. Like a big, sweeping thing that solves woman-ness for all of time.

Fifteenth, even though I have no stake in race matters or social justice or equality (like, I don’t really care. I mean, I care, but I don’t have a lot of extra time to protest or hand out flyers or something), I feel like I should point out that the show is kind of racist or at least portrays racism but not like “The Wire”, which is so good.